Qualities of True Friendship

1 Samuel 18

Introduction: The gift of a friend is a great treasure; it should be guarded and cared for more than any other earthly treasure. Jonathan befriended David during a time of great difficulty in David’s life. David knew the value of a few close friends who did life together. Later, David reflected on the gift of friendship when he wrote these words:

“Who may worship with a clean conscience in your presence? ... the one who doesn’t seek revenge against his neighbor or abandon a friend in time of need.” Psalm 15:1,3

The trials David endured were filled with pain and difficulty: he was cut off from his family (verse 2); he was falsely accused (verse 8); Saul was jealous of his success (verse 9); three times there were attempts on his life (verse 10-11 and verse 17); and he was the object of manipulative schemes to cause his death and if he survived, control who he married (verse 17).

During this difficult season God moved on the heart of Jonathan to befriend David. Though he was the rightful heir to the throne, Jonathan relinquished his rights for his friend. Why did Jonathan do this? Certainly it was because God moved on Jonathan’s heart. But there was also the human dimension: Jonathan was “one spirit” with David. He recognized the call of God on David’s life. He chose to honor David rather than contend with him for the throne. David recognized the sacrifice Jonathan made for him and responded by accepting Jonathan as his friend.

Jonathan and David gave to each other the rarest of all gifts in a friendship: the gift of trust. Trust is not always the result of many years of friendship; sometimes it is the cause of deep friendship. David had every reason not to trust Jonathan: his father was the king, the man who was trying to take his life; Jonathan was the heir to the throne; Jonathan could have been part of a deceitful plot to end David’s life.

To find a friend who shares the “same spirit” is a rare and precious gift. Paul spoke about Titus as such a friend:

“When I urged Titus to visit you and sent our other brother with him, did Titus take advantage of you? No, of course not! For we both have the same Spirit and walk in each other’s steps, doing things the same way.” 2 Corinthians 2:18 NLT

To find a friend who has the same values, the same vision, the same heart and passion as you do is not to be taken lightly. It is not to be confused with liking someone, or enjoying the same things in life. Nor is being “one spirit” to be thought of as enjoying a person’s company. What Jonathan and David enjoyed was a “divine flow” of enjoying the same heart for God. Only the spirit of God can unite two friends at such a deep level.

What are the characteristics of such a friendship? Let’s examine five qualities of friendship between David and Jonathan to try to understand the privileges and responsibilities of true friendship.

1. Honor – Those of us from Western cultures have much to learn from our brothers and sisters in Latin America, Africa and Asia about how to honor one another. Honor begins with paying tribute to someone, but it goes deeper than that. It also means submitting to a person from the heart. To honor a person is to receive from them, to see and acknowledge their gifts, strengths and passions. To honor is to see what God has taught that person without demanding they change or perform to a certain standard. Jonathan honored David by recognizing the call of God on his life and submitting to him, and though he knew David’s weaknesses he saw beyond those weaknesses. It says in 1 Samuel 18:1 that the “soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David.” Such deep bonds of friendship could not happen unless Jonathan laid down his rights as heir to the throne and honored David as his leader, and David laid down his fears of betrayal and honored Jonathan by accepting him into his closest circle of counselors.


2. Acceptance - To accept a person as they are is essential for deep and lasting friendship. To accept a person is to receive their strengths and forbear their weaknesses. Acceptance involves tolerating the unpleasant effects of a person’s weaknesses while seeing and celebrating their the benefits of their strengths. Acceptance means being able to say, “I like you as you are, not as I want you to be.” Without acceptance a person has to perform to be loved; there is no room for weakness. Acceptance is the outworking of an inward attitude of grace. Jonathan accepted David as leader and David accepted Jonathan’s friendship as the gift it was: the sacrificial offer of self-denial. It is impossible to accept what one cannot see or hear in another person. Listening to understand and seeing beneath the surface are indispensable aspects of accepting another person. Acceptance means we are willing to work through our fears and disappointments in order get below the surface and really know the true person. Then friendship can deepen.


3. Commitment – Commitment is the glue that holds a friendship together. It protects affection and comradeship between two people. A commitment is a loving obligation that should will not be voided in times of difficulty or disagreement. Commitment takes time, energy, and patience. By its nature, commitment protects a friendship; it sustains it in hard times. A commitment does not have to be spoken to be valid. It is a pledge of devotion that is more important than personal feelings or fears. Jonathan’s commitment to David included giving those pieces of clothing and armament that signified his position as prince of Israel and heir to the throne. It says in chapter 18, verse 3, “Then Jonathan and David made a covenant…” It should be pointed out that a covenant of this nature should not be made out of our need to be loved, but as an expression of God’s direction to love another person. Commitment takes time and energy. We cannot be equally committed to scores of people. The nature of commitment is to cherish a few people to the extent that we will bear with them in good times and bad, to the point of saying no to other opportunities and people.


4. Forgiveness – Forgiveness is the willingness to lay down our “right” to punish another person for the wrong they have done to us. It is pardoning an offense without demanding a response. Without forgiveness a friendship cannot grow beyond the surface level of “friendliness.” Good friends learn to work through hurts and disappointments in their relationship by forgiving one another. Forgiveness means giving up one’s desire for justice and laying aside one’s rights to self-preservation. When David had an opportunity to take revenge against Saul, he refused to lay a hand against him (1 Samuel 24:4-7). When David had the opportunity to take Saul’s life, his heart troubled him that he had even cut a piece off Saul’s robe. Though there is no recorded incident of a need for forgiveness between Jonathan and David, David did forgive Saul, Jonathan’s father. His forgiveness not only allowed David to keep his heart free from bitterness toward Saul, but it also preserved his friendship with Jonathan. Deep friendship cannot grow deep without honestly working through pain in a friendship, which brings one face to face with the need to forgive to be able to go deeper and further in a friendship. Jesus is the greatest example of sacrificial forgiveness. He forgave before he was asked to forgive. He forgave to the point of losing his life. He forgave even he risked causing pain and confusion to those he loved. The current emphasis on self-preservation, protecting one’s self and setting boundaries can miss the privilege and power there is in forgiveness.


5. Loyalty – A loyal friend is a faithful friend. To be loyal is be trustworthy and constant, to stand with a friend when others turn against him or her. To be loyal does not mean we turn a blind eye to a person’s faults, but that we stand with them even in spite of those faults. There can be no genuine or lasting community or family without loyalty. The opposite of loyalty is betrayal. It is to deliver a friend into the hands of an enemy. Some form of fear or selfishness is always at work in disloyalty. When we betray a friend we expose them to the attacks of the enemy in a way they would not have experienced if we remained loyal. To be disloyal is to act in a way that is contrary to the pledges of friendship and community that were made. To consider the quality of loyalty in a friendship is also to consider what gives rise to disloyalty: fear, self-protection, over-protection of others and lust are causes of disloyalty. Jonathan was loyal to David, which meant he had to trust God for his own father. Over protection of his father, that is, not trusting God to deal with deal justly and mercifully with his father would have caused Jonathan to be disloyal to David. When we trust God for our needs and the needs of others, we have planted the seeds of faithfulness which will reap a harvest of loyalty. It says in 1 Samuel 19:4, “Jonathan spoke well of David to Saul his father…” David gave the gift of trust and honor to Jonathan, and Jonathan returned his love with loyalty, even to his own detriment.

Excerpt From God’s Word: “Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord, saying, ‘The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.’” Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town.” 1 Samuel 20:42 NIV

Lessons For Prayer and Personal Application.

God provides true friends in time of need.

If we sow the seeds of friendship liberally to others, we will reap it as well.

Honor, commitment, acceptance, forgiveness and loyalty are the measuring stick of true friendship.

Fear motivates disloyalty and dishonor in a friendship.

A loyal friend acts wisely in time of crisis.

A true and tested friend is not possessive.

God given friendship is more than enjoying the same things together; there is a divine flow of purpose that goes hand in hand with Godly friendships.

A friend speaks the truth when others won’t. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.

Personal Illustration: I realized recently that my best friend in life was my wife, Sally. I have always thought of Sally as my friend, as well as someone that I am attracted to, feel romantic about and see her as beautiful, fun, and enjoyable. But it struck me that she was a much greater friend than I had appreciated to that point. What brought about this sudden revelation? We had experienced a conflict with others in church leadership. There were betrayals of sworn allegiance and friendship that was very painful. We felt alone and were grieving the loss of those we were once close to. During that time Sally spoke words of life and words of wisdom to me that were a strength and a comfort.

We can talk about anything, but we don’t have to talk to be intimate. We enjoy silence together as well. We accept each other unconditionally. We like each other; we share the same values and have been on the same journey in life together for more than forty years. We have gone on adventures together, taken huge risks with each other, and shared many intimate moments together.

We have worked through our differences, learned how to communicate to each other, and grown through the different seasons of life to love each other deeply.

I can’t think of anyone I would rather be with than Sally. When I’m apart from her and I see something beautiful, it doesn’t seem complete without her. Even doing the things I enjoy most that she does not enjoy don’t seem totally satisfying. I just like doing everything in life with her.

I have no question of her loyalty to me. Her total acceptance has given me the safe refuge I need to be honest with myself and with her. I can share my deepest fears and hurts, be comforted by her love and be challenged by her truthfulness.

Sally is no pushover. I admire her for her strength of conviction and her fierce loyalty to Biblical principles. When we disagree I have learned to shut up and listen because she has been right so many times. At the same time, she accepts my gifts and leans into my strengths and celebrates my insights.

We make a great team. I wish every married couple who follow Jesus could enjoy deep, quality friendship with their marriage partner. I know they can because I know how hard we have worked at developing our friendship. Nothing of value comes easy or without paying a high price.

Prayer of Response: “Dear father, thank you that you love us more than a brother. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you that you count us as more than servants, but as friends. Thank you for the lessons we can learn from Jonathan and David’s friendship. Teach us to love, teach us to grow as friends. Teach us to be your friend and to be a true friend with those you have brought into our lives. Give us deep friendships with our children, with our spouses, with those you have given to us to walk side by side in the journey of life. Teach us the qualities of true friendship. In Jesus name, amen.”